Computers are for more than just science these days. Catch the wave!
Let’s face it: you’re not very fun. Most people aren’t, but before your run out and spend thousands on a Wii or some other device that will lure people into spending time with you, consider the alternative. Wouldn’t it be easier to create a version of you that seems really fun and cool rather than actually going through all of the work of actually being fun and cool?
Enter Facebook. It will allow you to continue a comfortable slovenly lifestyle while appearing fun to friends that aren’t actually interested enough to find out the truth. It is the single most important tool for judging people from afar since the eyespot of flatworms evolved into actual eyes capable of recognizing weight problems and patches of trouble-skin. If life is a competition, Facebook™ is the scoreboard, and we’re here to help make sure you are winning the game despite how heavily the Vegas odds are stacked against you. You don’t have to be living your best life; you just need to look like you are.
Before getting started, be warned; creating the illusion of a life you are proud of is not all fun and games. It takes a little bit of work, but once you start seeing those little blue thumbs-up signs indicating the kind of peer approval you have not felt since you showed all of your friends how good you are at “eating your dollar’s worth” at Old Country Buffet, you will be happy you made the effort.
A picture is worth a thousand friend requests
Without a doubt, the quickest way to create a life that does not bring you shame the way real life can, is by posting impressive photos on your profile. Costly and work-intensive (we hate that phrase too) though it may be, we recommend taking a class or, at the very least, buying a book to instruct you in the basics of Photoshop™. There is no easier way to take a picture of you drinking a beer in your aunt’s Chevy Aveo and turn it into a picture of you drinking a mojito on a white sandy beach in, I don’t know, Cozumel?! No sooner than you begin inserting yourself into photos with A-list celebrities will your friends and friends of friends start seeing your fun, exotic life and begin feeling bad about their own lives, a sure sign that your efforts are paying off.
Just another night out with the girls. We won't tell if you don't.
A note of caution: now that you are on Facebook™, you must accept the 85% chance that any photo taken of you will end up on the internet. One bad photo could reveal your moderately lazy-eye and completely unravel all of your careful work. And sure, you can un-tag yourself from a photo your friend posts, but perhaps not quickly enough to keep it out of hundreds of news feeds and causing irreparable damage. We suggest staying out of any photographs that you are not in direct control of. If it is not on your camera, don’t partake. But on the occasion that you cannot avoid being a part of someone else’s picture, make sure that the owner of the camera looks worse in the picture than you. That may mean reaching over and pinching them just as the camera flashes, or perhaps landing an emotional blow with a well-timed comment on their recent break-up. Either way, the resultant look of pain and disgust on their face will almost guarantee that they don’t post the picture on Facebook™.
Raise your status up(dates)!
Below are some examples of highly effective status updates:
- “John Doe is recovering from that party with A-list celebrities last night.”
- “John Doe is off to the airport to catch his flight to an exotic locale where he can show off all the work he has been putting in at the gym. Please see pictures in the album ‘proof that I did not let myself go after high school’.”
- “John Doe is at a Bon Jovi concert”
Your status update is how you let people know your status. Duh. As such, it is important to always make your updates indicate your high status. Most people will be sitting at a desk in their office job when they are reading your status update, so a good rule of thumb when thinking about what to write is to consider, what would make me jealous if I were locked behind a desk staring at a picture of my wife and kids and thinking about the drain they have become on my ability to have fun? “John Doe is helping his mother with her physical therapy exercises because she sacrificed a lot for him, and it is time he gives back” is certainly not going to make others feel the dull ache of their monotonous daily routine as much as something mysterious like “John Doe had completely forgotten about the balloon of heroin still inside of him from his trip to Mexico. What a wacky morning 
”
Not only is content important, but the frequency with which you update your status also requires strict attention. You want to do it often enough to keep yourself fresh in the news feeds and give a good idea of how busy and in-demand you are, but not so often that it becomes apparent that you couldn’t possibly be “hang-gliding for a diabetes cure” while simultaneously updating your status in 15 minute increments. Updating too frequently will potentially tip people off to the fact that you are actually lying in bed wearing the high school prom t-shirt you slept in and using Facebook™ to find pictures of your ex.
Make new Friends
After judging you based on your photos, newly acquired friends’ eyes will next meander south to take a glance at the number of friends you have and compare it to their own friend count. Your number MUST be higher.
If you’re like us, you owe money to quite a few of your actual friends, so befriending them on Facebook™, especially early on, is a definite no-no. Plus, you want to build up a storehouse of friends before you let the people close to you in on the 24-hour party train you have blossomed into. So how do you achieve a high friend count early on? As it turns out, there are a few ways.
1. Simply do a search for common names, and befriend as many as you like. In your friend request, include a message that says something like, “it was great meeting you at that event.” Research suggests that 4 out of every 10 requests sent will yield a new friend, and you can feel good about this approach by knowing that you are helping others to increase their numbers as well. Everyone wins.
2. Make new friends. We mean that literally. Facebook™ will allow you to make limitless numbers of profiles. So make up some fun and really interesting friends that you can then befriend to augment your new super-fun cyber life. As a bonus, you can later log in as these friends to write wall posts or comment on your pictures. Imagine how jealous people will be when they see the wall post from your friend in Dubai that reads, “we still on for skiing this weekend? Try not to get too drunk this time. lol ☺”
3. Join interest groups. Even though you have no interest or experience, you should not shy away from joining a group like “Flying High: A Collective of Aviation Enthusiasts and Recreational Drug Users”. Not only will it make you appear more three dimensional when people see it on your profile page, but it will allow you to be searchable to other aviation and drug fans that, if all goes well, will actually befriend you!
As the old adage goes, you should, “dress for the job you want.” Likewise, you should dress your Facebook™ page for the life you want but are too clinically depressed to seek out in the real world. It is the best way to find temporary relief from that nagging hollow feeling that clouds most of your actual life, and constructing your perceived life does not require nearly the amount of work.
If you haven’t yet taken the first step, we encourage you to set up a Facebook™ account right now. You’re already on the internet. If you already have an account, time is wasting, and people could be forgetting about you as you read this. Isn’t it about time you took a quiz and let people know which “Friends” character you are most similar to? Just make sure your result is not “Ross”. Nobody likes Ross.
Sumes
M.