Facing the “Truth”

Computers are for more than just science these days. Catch the wave!

Let’s face it: you’re not very fun.  Most people aren’t, but before your run out and spend thousands on a Wii or some other device that will lure people into spending time with you, consider the alternative.  Wouldn’t it be easier to create a version of you that seems really fun and cool rather than actually going through all of the work of actually being fun and cool?

Enter Facebook.  It will allow you to continue a comfortable slovenly lifestyle while appearing fun to friends that aren’t actually interested enough to find out the truth.  It is the single most important tool for judging people from afar since the eyespot of flatworms evolved into actual eyes capable of recognizing weight problems and patches of trouble-skin.  If life is a competition, Facebook™ is the scoreboard, and we’re here to help make sure you are winning the game despite how heavily the Vegas odds are stacked against you.  You don’t have to be living your best life; you just need to look like you are.

Before getting started, be warned; creating the illusion of a life you are proud of is not all fun and games.  It takes a little bit of work, but once you start seeing those little blue thumbs-up signs indicating the kind of peer approval you have not felt since you showed all of your friends how good you are at “eating your dollar’s worth” at Old Country Buffet, you will be happy you made the effort.

A picture is worth a thousand friend requests
Without a doubt, the quickest way to create a life that does not bring you shame the way real life can, is by posting impressive photos on your profile.  Costly and work-intensive (we hate that phrase too) though it may be, we recommend taking a class or, at the very least, buying a book to instruct you in the basics of Photoshop™.  There is no easier way to take a picture of you drinking a beer in your aunt’s Chevy Aveo and turn it into a picture of you drinking a mojito on a white sandy beach in, I don’t know, Cozumel?!  No sooner than you begin inserting yourself into photos with A-list celebrities will your friends and friends of friends start seeing your fun, exotic life and begin feeling bad about their own lives, a sure sign that your efforts are paying off.

Just another night out with the girls. We won't tell if you don't.

A note of caution: now that you are on Facebook™, you must accept the 85% chance that any photo taken of you will end up on the internet.  One bad photo could reveal your moderately lazy-eye and completely unravel all of your careful work.  And sure, you can un-tag yourself from a photo your friend posts, but perhaps not quickly enough to keep it out of hundreds of news feeds and causing irreparable damage.  We suggest staying out of any photographs that you are not in direct control of.  If it is not on your camera, don’t partake.  But on the occasion that you cannot avoid being a part of someone else’s picture, make sure that the owner of the camera looks worse in the picture than you.  That may mean reaching over and pinching them just as the camera flashes, or perhaps landing an emotional blow with a well-timed comment on their recent break-up.  Either way, the resultant look of pain and disgust on their face will almost guarantee that they don’t post the picture on Facebook™.

Raise your status up(dates)!
Below are some examples of highly effective status updates:

• “John Doe is recovering from that party with A-list celebrities last night.”

• “John Doe is off to the airport to catch his flight to an exotic locale where he can show off all the work he has been putting in at the gym.  Please see pictures in the album ‘proof that I did not let myself go after high school’.”

• “John Doe is at a Bon Jovi concert”

Your status update is how you let people know your status.  Duh.  As such, it is important to always make your updates indicate your high status.  Most people will be sitting at a desk in their office job when they are reading your status update, so a good rule of thumb when thinking about what to write is to consider, what would make me jealous if I were locked behind a desk staring at a picture of my wife and kids and thinking about the drain they have become on my ability to have fun? “John Doe is helping his mother with her physical therapy exercises because she sacrificed a lot for him, and it is time he gives back” is certainly not going to make others feel the dull ache of their monotonous daily routine as much as something mysterious like “John Doe had completely forgotten about the balloon of heroin still inside of him from his trip to Mexico.  What a wacky morning ”

Not only is content important, but the frequency with which you update your status also requires strict attention.  You want to do it often enough to keep yourself fresh in the news feeds and give a good idea of how busy and in-demand you are, but not so often that it becomes apparent that you couldn’t possibly be “hang-gliding for a diabetes cure” while simultaneously updating your status in 15 minute increments.  Updating too frequently will potentially tip people off to the fact that you are actually lying in bed wearing the high school prom t-shirt you slept in and using Facebook™ to find pictures of your ex.

Make new Friends

After judging you based on your photos, newly acquired friends’ eyes will next meander south to take a glance at the number of friends you have and compare it to their own friend count.  Your number MUST be higher.

If you’re like us, you owe money to quite a few of your actual friends, so befriending them on Facebook™, especially early on, is a definite no-no.  Plus, you want to build up a storehouse of friends before you let the people close to you in on the 24-hour party train you have blossomed into.  So how do you achieve a high friend count early on?  As it turns out, there are a few ways.

1.    Simply do a search for common names, and befriend as many as you like.  In your friend request, include a message that says something like, “it was great meeting you at that event.”   Research suggests that 4 out of every 10 requests sent will yield a new friend, and you can feel good about this approach by knowing that you are helping others to increase their numbers as well.  Everyone wins.

2.    Make new friends.  We mean that literally.  Facebook™ will allow you to make limitless numbers of profiles.  So make up some fun and really interesting friends  that you can then befriend to augment your new super-fun cyber life.  As a bonus, you can later log in as these friends to write wall posts or comment on your pictures.  Imagine how jealous people will be when they see the wall post from your friend in Dubai that reads, “we still on for skiing this weekend?  Try not to get too drunk this time.  lol ☺”

3.    Join interest groups.  Even though you have no interest or experience, you should not shy away from joining a group like “Flying High: A Collective of Aviation Enthusiasts and Recreational Drug Users”.  Not only will it make you appear more three dimensional when people see it on your profile page, but it will allow you to be searchable to other aviation and drug fans that, if all goes well, will actually befriend you!

As the old adage goes, you should, “dress for the job you want.”  Likewise, you should dress your Facebook™ page for the life you want but are too clinically depressed to seek out in the real world.  It is the best way to find temporary relief from that nagging hollow feeling that clouds most of your actual life, and constructing your perceived life does not require nearly the amount of work.

If you haven’t yet taken the first step, we encourage you to set up a Facebook™ account right now.  You’re already on the internet.  If you already have an account, time is wasting, and people could be forgetting about you as you read this.  Isn’t it about time you took a quiz and let people know which “Friends” character you are most similar to?  Just make sure your result is not “Ross”.  Nobody likes Ross.

Dating!

 

 

If these two can find someone, anyone can.

Why die alone when when you can die together each day?  It seems like everywhere you turn, be it at the magazine rack, movies, or the Old Testament, people are pairing off in the hopes of finding romantic bliss with one another.  But are these relationships real?  If you ask yourself that, you are already setting your sights too high in the dating world, and it’s time to get some “real” advice.  If you have been searching for that special someone to complete you but can’t seem to find them, it’s probably because they have already found Renee Zelwegger and are settling for her.  The real question is, how do you get someone to settle for you and as quickly as possible?  

#1 Desperation is Your Friend

Playing hard to get may give the impression you are a prize to be won, but how many times have you tried this technique, only to discover your object of desire has forgotten you entirely and is making out with someone much drunker and sluttier at the end of the bar?  Pride isn’t going to keep you warm like a drunken and confused body will, so meet your potential future half way.  We recommend a solid hour of pre-drinking at home by yourself before you even get dressed.  Then, wear what seems appropriate while listening to your local R&B station (it will subtly guide you), and head to the bar nearest you.  In this state, you will undoubtedly attract some kind of attention, and voila!  It is you who are making out with someone you just met, someone who just might be relationship status update material on Facebook.  Or at the very least, someone you can stalk on Facebook when you get home. 

#2 You are Compatible with Everyone

A common mistake people make when choosing a partner is actually choosing a partner.  So many are reaching for the top shelf, dreaming of someone who would probably laugh in their face at the notion, never noticing the person sitting on the bottom of the barrel beside them!  Next time you write that list in your head of the qualities you are looking for in a person (e.g., college degree, fiscally responsible, bootyliscious), look in the mirror and see how many of them you actually possess.  10 percent?  5?  Good luck with those stats!  Instead, tear up that list and focus on more general qualities.  Like, gender (or assumed gender) and…  That’s really all!  And don’t get too caught up in that either.  The main thing to understand is that you can close your eyes and point in practically any direction to find someone you can beg to hold you until you stop crying.  And after many rejections, someone will undoubtedly take you up on what to them is a generous offer.

#3 Fake it til you Make it

Another common mistake in the dating game is not putting your best foot forward.  And 9 times out of 10, that foot belongs to someone else.  Someone richer, better looking and more popular.  But how do you pretend to be something you’re not without slipping up?  It’s easy.  The key is to not over-pretend.  Saying you work for NASA sounds impressive at first, until you are asked what “NASA” stands for.  Better aim for something you don’t have to answer too many questions about, like a trust fund baby.  That way, you can explain away your meager lodgings and stupid job by saying you’re just trying to understand what real people go through so you can write poetry about it.  Poetry too private to share at this time.  If it’s friends you need to fake, set up multiple Facebook accounts you can friend yourself with and with no social skills involved, you have a coterie of online compadres who tag you every chance they get with witty jokes you steal from other peoples’ pages.  The great part is, you only have to remain in character until the birth of your first child.  At which point, your partner will easily forgive you for pulling them into your sham of an existence, because they won’t have any other option!    

#4 How to Live with Someone you Barely Know (Protecting your Belongings)

If you follow our advice to the letter, you should quickly find yourself living with someone you don’t know that well through mutual desperation and fear.  Obvious plusses are cheaper rent, a Boggle™ partner every night of the week, and a living, breathing punching bag to blame for everything bad in your life.  A seldom-mentioned downside is the fact that they could steal your things.  While the ideal solution is to set up video cameras in each room, a less costly (and more romantic) method is to leave little notes around your things, that read, “YOU CAN TOUCH ME BUT NOT THIS,” or, “EYES OFF… SEXY.”  That way, you send a message that you find them attractive, but at the same time completely untrustworthy.  If they are the innocent does they claim to be, they will appreciate the fact that your trust must be earned and will respect you the more for it.  If they aren’t, the tiny bells you tape to your most prized possessions will tell you soon enough. 

#5 Faking a Pregnancy to Make Them Stay

Now that you have found someone to share your diminished dreams with, things can get tricky.  How to make sure they don’t leave you like everyone else?  Hopefully you have picked someone who is as desperate as you or more so, and this isn’t an issue, but if you’ve overreached, better pretend you are pregnant to avoid breaking up.  If you are a lady, this is very easy to do with custom made pillows and fake sonograms, etc.  But if you are a guy, you will have to be as wily as a fox, and cunning as Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success.  To start, grind up Seasonique™ pills in her food every day, which you can pay a female acquaintance to order for you from Mexico.  Then, once she suspects she’s pregnant, express keen interest in helping her with the home pregnancy test, substituting a pregnant woman’s urine (easily obtained because pregnant women are constantly urinating) for hers.  Once the test confirms it, immediately ask her to marry you and say you want to go with her to the doctor, when your schedule opens up, in a month.  Insist upon it, and by the time the cat is out of the bag, the wedding evite will have already gone out.  Hooray!  In either scenario, you will have introduced the joy of fake parenthood into your partner’s life, scaring them straight into the fake shelter of your arms.

Finding A Job

 

Even robots need job advice these days.

It’s safe to say in these economic times that if you are not looking for a job, you will be soon, so everyone could use some brushing up on their job hunting techniques.  Joblessness is on the rise, like a devastating tsunami, and while everyone wishes they instinctively knew how to climb to higher ground like the flamingos, most people are unknowingly drinking their last mai tai on the beach.  But what is causing this meteoric rise in unemployment?  The outsourcing of jobs overseas?  The bursting of the housing bubble?  The decline in manufacturing and transition to a service-based economy?  No!  We don’t have degrees in economics, but we don’t need ones to tell you that it’s because people are not setting their sights on the job that is right for them.  Equipped with this knowledge, you are well on your way to getting that job you were always afraid of, but will ultimately keep you fed and housed, safely perched on the bottom rungs of personhood. Let’s get started!

 

Widening Your Search

Perhaps you went to college, or community college, or have a certificate from an unaccredited massage school, and you have a degree of expertise in a given subject.  Maybe you have years of experience working on an oil rig, and would like a similar position to afford you the Urban Cowboy lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to.  Unfortunately, that oil rig has dried up, and now you are left with only your spurs and pointy hat to remind you of the life that once defined you.  But don’t despair!  Whether it’s a degree in Medieval Studies or 12 years teaching underprivileged children how to read, it’s never too late to throw that out the window to pursue a real job that is hiring now.  And contrary to the doom and gloom you hear on TV, they are hiring!  Everywhere.  You just have to widen your search. To start, go to craigslist.org for the city you are in, and click on “Jobs.”  I just did, and on the very first page are 100(!) jobs I can apply to, including Pilates Instructor, Assistant, Class A Driver, and Jewish Egg Donor.  I bet you didn’t even know half of these jobs existed!  But you might be thinking, “I’m not qualified for any of these jobs, considering I’m overweight, generally unhelpful, my license was revoked, and I’m a Muslim man.”  However, all of these things can be changed! (Except maybe the last thing.  And for that I’m personally grateful because I don’t need the competition.)  All you need to do is apply for the job saying you are qualified and fake it ‘til you make it!  Or until you are fired, in which case you have hundreds upon hundreds of other jobs you can pretend you are good at.  Other great places to find out about jobs include online local newspapers, going door to door, and your local Home Depot parking lot.  Happy hunting!  

Customizing Your Resume (or filling out application)

Now that you have zeroed in on the job you are hoping for, it’s time to put your best foot forward.  It’s time to make it seem like you are perfect for the job.  For example, if you are applying to work as a PM line cook, don’t put down your experience as a ballerina for the Joffrey Ballet, even if it was your greatest achievement and your only skill.  It will inevitably beg the question, “Why aren’t you dancing anymore?”  And once they see your now jello-like ankles and realize you probably couldn’t make ramen noodles, your chances of getting the job will equal your chances of ever pirouetting en pointe again.  What you should put down, is all the experiences you do have preparing food, however small, and exaggerate them to state that you worked as a PM line cook for four years, after having worked your way up as a salad preparer and ice cream girl.  In your “Interests” section you may say that you enjoy dance.  This, of course, is just one example.  The lesson to take away from it is that you have to position yourself for the job you are applying for, not the job you want that is forever out of your reach.

Cover Letter

While many jobs you will be applying for will only require your resume, legible penmanship on their application, or a photo of yourself, some will require that you introduce yourself in a one-page note and explain why you are applying for the position.  And while an honest letter describing how you are hungry and cold, with real tear stains on it, will evoke pity in the heart of the hiring manager, it will also cause them to direct you to a nearby shelter and wash their hands of your fate.  That’s why we recommend a less honest approach, one that highlights all of your accomplishments in the resume you have drawn up, using language that doesn’t hint at emotional instability or proximity to total disaster.  Who doesn’t like a cheerful note, promising ability, steadfastness, and an increase in their bottom line?  Let the truth come out later, ideally after you have information to blackmail your boss with, which we’ll cover in a later post.  If you have never written a cover letter before, just type “cover letter” in a search engine and you’ll see the general format.  But don’t copy it!  At least without changing the Tos and Froms.

Interview

Congratulations!  You have been called for an interview.  Or you have read about an open call with interviews and have made it there on time.  Either way, this is the true test that will decide whether you get the job or are forced to interview men with your body.  Don’t screw it up.  Before you arrive, you will want to dress yourself appropriately for the type of job you are applying for.  If you are interviewing to work with children, leave the leather pants at home and try to soften your look with a cardigan and sneakers.  If you are interviewing to be a tequila waitress, do wear the leather pants, with a matching halter top to show off your tequila serving skills.  (If you are interviewing for both on the same day you should put the cardigan on over the halter top as you approach your interviewer.) It may seem superficial, but studies have shown that humans base 100% of their decisions on superficial observation, even if said humans are blind and must grope your face.  That said, if you don’t get the job, you won’t be able to blame your outfit, only the way the outfit looks on your large and ill-proportioned body. 

Now that you have prepared your look, it’s time to prepare your answers to the likely questions that will be asked of you.  It is not enough to repeat in a dull monotone, “see resume” when asked specifically about your work experience.  Today, you are required to speak in full sentences with seemingly un-canned responses to your interviewer’s questions.  This might seem impossible, but the trick is to practice in front of a mirror, asking and answering questions like, “Why do you want this job?”  “How do you handle high stress situations?” “Can you explain the recent 5 year gap in your work history and why prior to that you worked under a different name?”  These questions are likely to come up, but if you are prepared with answers to them, you will at least get through the interview without collapsing in a puddle of sweat and urine.  At the close of the interview, you might have to ask some questions of your own, but don’t get too excited, this is just a test to see how well you can come up with questions.  You might really want to know how this person has managed to keep a straight face, interviewing you for a position that a trained donkey could do, but it is better for you to keep the straight face, asking, “How do you keep your hair so soft and shiny?”

Thank You Note

Now that you have aced your interview and have given your references (try to limit to one parent), it is customary to send a note to your interviewer, thanking them for everything they went through in discussing the position with you, the time it took out of their busy lives, and also reminding them of who you are.  It’s an added touch that says, “Hey! I know we just spoke half an hour ago, but I still can’t get over the fact that you actually talked to me, dream job that it is, donating my Jewish eggs to your fertility clinic.  Nobody’s eggs are as Jewish as mine, and I really, really, really…   really want the job.”

In Closing

We hope we’ve taken some of the mystery out of finding a job in these tough times, because by following these techniques, you are sure to land a position whereby you trade your time and effort for at least the bare minimum amount of income necessary to sustain your life.  And who knows!  You just might discover a passion for grocery bagging you never knew, or learn a new language picking fruit in a seasonal caravan.  The possibilities are as endless as a Craigslist page!  So get to it, and discover the new you just waiting to lose itself in the teeming masses of the new economy!

What Recession?

Fact: babies will eat your money.

These days, you can’t go anywhere without hearing a sob story about the recession.  Everyone is losing their jobs, and their houses, and their senses of humor about petty theft, but did you ever stop and think how much easier this “recession” would be on you, if you had just prepared for it?  We’ve outlined some simple steps that can keep you from feeling the sting of this recession’s hand-me-down whip.

Step 1:  Make Homeless seem like HomeMORE

More simply put: don’t own a home.  I know what you are thinking.  I don’t know if I have the time necessary to complete all of the paperwork required for NOT owning a home.  But guess what; there IS no paperwork required for not owning a home (aside from the occasional tickets for loitering when you get caught sleeping outside the public library).  I have been successfully not owning a home since I left my parents’ home (suckers) 10 years ago, and you will not catch me crying on a popular news channel because my mortgage has been foreclosed on.  You WILL find me trolling craigslist every couple of months looking for a fully-furnished sublet that doesn’t require any security deposit or proof of employment.

Step 2:  Things = Cha-Chings

While this could have been an extension of step 1, I thought it important enough to include separately.

Expensive items have long been a symbol of status.  Having a large flat-screen television will definitely get people to like you far faster than your personality will, but it will come back to haunt you as soon as you are using that tv to watch CNN report the latest unemployment numbers in high-def.  Expensive things are great when the economy is good, but the day you have to sell your bowflex for a bag of rolled oats, you will feel like a real dummy for ever spending that amount of money on any one object.

A side benefit of not owning anything is that is makes moving from place to place (that you don’t own) an absolute breeze.  As someone who falls asleep to the sounds of a 24-hour McDonald’s parking lot on an air-mattress in an otherwise empty room, I can tell you that it gives me great peace of mind to know that if I had to leave my apartment, move to Wisconsin, and start living under an assumed alias, it would take me under a half-hour before I was on my way to sipping Milwaukee’s Best under the shade of a dairy cow.

Step 3: Say Bye-Bye to the Idea of a career

Even the word “career” makes me think, who am I?  Murphy Brown? Careers are a thing of the past.  Someone with a career carries their high-heals in a tote while they walk to work in their more sensible socks and sneakers.

The key to survival in these volatile times is flexibility.  That means taking any job you can whenever and wherever you can.  I have seen countless television interviews with people that had been working at their job for years when they were suddenly let go due to downsizing.  I have not seen a single interview about the guy that takes gigs wherever he can get them, and has not had a consistent job for the past 3 years, losing his job.

In the past, I have worked as a waiter, an office temp, a cruise ship employee, dressed up as a toy soldier at a Christmas breakfast, and as a pirate at children’s birthday parties.  When your work is so inconsistent to begin with, losing one job and searching for another is just another part of your ongoing work cycle.  Finding a week or month-long gig is a snap, but you won’t find a section for “long-term careers” in the classified section of your favorite free newspaper.

Avoiding the career path will also equip you with a sense of what it is to live without any of the benefits of a typical career – like health insurance.  Finding yourself unexpectedly out of a job that once provided you comprehensive health care can be a real shock to the system, and you cannot afford shocks to the system now that quality healthcare is inaccessible to you.  Those of us that are accustomed to being uninsured or under-insured, know our way around a free clinic and don’t mind sitting next to a screaming woman bleeding from her ear while we wait to have a lump on our foot diagnosed at a sliding-scale health facility.

Step 4: Fly Solo for a While

I would imagine that the dullest ache during an economic hardship comes when you think about all the chirping mouths you have to feed.  I say “imagine” because I have absolutely no idea what it is like to have someone depend on me or my income.  In hard economic times, nothing can bog you down like having loved ones in your life.  If it is not feeding them, it is clothing them, or birthdays, or cancer treatments.  Regardless of what it is, it is a cost to you.  Even something as simple as having friends or dating incurs costs; you pay to eat out, or buy drinks, or wear clothes without stains on them, and while you may have a few laughs, your bank account suffers.

Think about taking this time, while the economy is bad, to do something for you.  Take a trip for a couple of years, and explore what it is like to live as you, by yourself.  I think what you will find is more free time and a lot less stress.  Maybe you will even discover a hobby that your spouse’s nagging would have never allowed to blossom before.  And best of all, you no longer have to worry about keeping anybody awake when you occasionally cry at night.

A recession is a hard time, but if you follow these 4 simple steps, you will be well on your way to living a life that is truly recession-proof.  By committing yourself to being non-committal, you will be able to roll with the punches while the rest of the country continues to suffer.  This is a dark time, but before you know it, the economy will rebound, and you can go back to your old life.  But something tells me you won’t want to!

What Not Not to Wear

When deciding what to wear and how to adorn yourself, it’s best to have your style reflect who you really are.  Beyond cloaking your unsightly body, clothing is an extension of self, and says to the world, “Here I am!”  But when downsizing your wardrobe to suit your potential, you must ask yourself, “Do I really want to be noticed?”  In most cases, the answer is no. 

To start, go through your wardrobe and pick out your favorite pieces.  They are probably your favorite pieces because they reflect who you would like to be, and not who you really are.  For instance, that cocktail dress looks great on the rack, but on you it is just a reminder that you are never invited to cocktail parties.   And what about those designer jeans?  Sure, they were made to flatter and hide your leg imperfections, but they are also misleading if you are not hip enough to wear them.  If you haven’t been on the guest list to any up and coming indie band in the past six months, that’s a good sign those jeans aren’t for you. 

Fortunately, a Buffalo Exchange near you is eager to trade all of your good clothes (you probably never had occasion to wear) for half their resale value in store credit, which will happily afford you the clothes that will best fit your personality. When picking out an outfit, follow some simple steps.  When you’re at the Buffalo Exchange, or Marshall’s, or Filene’s Basement (these are your new high end boutiques) you’ll first want to find the dressing room with the most glaring halogen light you can find so you can accurately assess how each piece covers and hides you.  When looking for individual pieces, avoid patterns and the less muted tones and go for the more simple and drape-like clothes.  You can also go for the more clothes-like drapes – marked down sheets and drapes are easy ways to say to the world that you’re not trying anymore.  Not that you really did try before, even if you count that fake Burberry scarf you’ve been wearing for seven years, but now the people who know you will know you’ve accepted yourself for who you are and will feel less anxiety about avoiding you.  Added bonus: this will also weed out the friends who were probably too good for you anyway, and you’ll be left with people you can truly grow old with when you don’t find anyone romantically.

Now that we’ve covered your everyday shrouding, lets go over the situations in which you’ll have to wear actual clothing.

Work

Like most average people, you have to work for a living.  If you are independently wealthy, there’s a good chance your breeding and education preclude any interest in this column beyond fascination and perhaps a yearning to live as others do.  If this is the case, please understand you will never truly be average, and your attempts at slumming it will end like so many Brooklyn hipsters’: in law school.  But for the intended audience of worker drones, let’s get you suited up! 

For many of you, lack of ambition and general aimlessness has landed you the role of service employee.  Your life of cloudiness has a silver lining, however, in that you get to wear a uniform to work!  However ill fitting or unflattering to your form and coloring, you don’t have to waste time worrying about what you’ll wear tomorrow, because it will always be the same.  Just toss in the wash every Sunday and you’re good to go.  Also Febreeze mid-week if someone says something.  While uniforms do imply a lack of status generally, they also imply you are saving money on clothing you don’t have to buy, and can afford a room in a retirement community when the time is right.  Like my mother always said, you don’t have to be a social burden, even if you are one socially!

For those of you who wrote cover letters and interviewed for your job, somehow making it through these fiery hoops, your task is a bit more difficult.  These jobs are unfortunate in that they do not provide a uniform, but do provide strict guidelines as to what you should or should not wear.  A good rule of thumb in this case is to wear whatever you want until you are reprimanded and then meet your boss half way.  This might happen repeatedly, but the ultimate goal is that you will be wearing the real bare minimum required for your job, the happy medium between your passive resistance and your boss’ exasperation.  You will also feel like you have won something and this is a unique feeling for you. 

Sport-wear

Now, while most of you don’t make a habit of exercising, you have nevertheless acquired clothing that is more aspirational than necessary for you.  Sports bras, high shorts, spandex and track pants are all nice in practice, but after you sell your unused gym membership on craigslist it might seem like there is no reason to keep them.  Not true!  Beyond a good alternative when you run out of clean underwear, on you, such clothes make a very amusing Halloween costume and will at least bring joy to others.  Also, they will come in handy if you ever go on a date, which I will explain in detail below.

Date-wear

If you haven’t found anyone who will settle for you yet, it’s probably because you have been overreaching on the dating scene.  “Les resembles s’assemble,” as the French say, so it’s time to lower your sights to someone who is more like you.  The best way to attract someone to fulfill your paint by numbers dream is to put the signal out there that you are ready to settle too.  If you are a lady, show your other half to be that you’d accept him or her or just about anyone by taking a nap in whatever you bought to exercise in and then wearing jeans over that.  Do not brush your hair as that screams high maintenance and will scare off someone who would accept the real you.  If you are a man do the same thing.  Now, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, I’ve really been going about dating wrong my entire life!”  Or, “Will this really work?”  Or, “It’s not like I get asked out anyway and the few dates I’ve been on have left me feeling I will never connect with anyone so what’s the use, I might as well take up basket weaving, sigh…”  And to all of these I say YES!  Just remember, misery loves company, so there will always be someone out there who will at least want to act out what togetherness looks like on TV.

Of course, there is tweaking of each outfit cross culturally.  For instance, in Germany you would wear black spandex instead of a sheet and in Japan a beige kimono, but I will address in our travel segment coming out later this year.  Just be sure you can dress down anywhere, anytime and that language is no barrier to your continuing un-success!

First Impressions

As our blog celebrates its inaugural post, we are put in mind of the importance of a good first impression.  After all, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression,” as the old adage goes, unless your first impression is so underwhelming that the person on the receiving end of it has no recollection that it ever happened!  In which case, congratulations; you nailed it.

Picture it: you are meeting the head of your company for the first time.  This man* holds the key to your future at Whocaresaboutthisstupidjob, Inc.  As you casually stroll toward him with a great line in your head about how effective you think the guidelines for the “31 Ways to Increase Office Efficiency and Productivity” campaign are, you second guess your approach worrying that maybe it is too transparently ass-kissy.  Surely it would be better to talk about something other than work, you think.  Show him how well-rounded and balanced your work and personal life are!  What is something that everyone likes to talk about?  Sports!  Everybody loves sports!  Duh.  So, just as he is about to finish filling his coffee cup, you ask, “How about that game last night?”

To which he replies, “What game?”

Having not even considered the fact that you would have to actually think of real game to talk about, you laugh inappropriately loudly and say, “yeah!”

At some point you will end up spilling his hot coffee on him and then furiously dabbing his crotch area as he pleads with you to stop.  His impression of you will forever be tied to a burned and battered crotch.

That is why we advocate a much less eager approach.  When meeting someone for the first time, your aim should always be to make it as much of a non-event as possible.  The less emphasis you put on that initial meeting, the smaller the chance you will end up doing something that makes you seem like a total jerk.

If possible, it is best to time your meeting to coincide with something that is much more important.  Like after they have just given birth, run their first marathon, or laid a parent to rest.  Really, the list is endless!  For instance, imagine you approach your target during the final touchdown play of the Superbowl (everyone loves sports) or just after they have been told that their house burned down.  Nonchalantly, slip in a, “Hi, it’s wonderful to finally meet you; I’m excited to be working with you,” while they sob, “My memories!  They’re all just piles of ash now!”  You could just as easily say, “Hi, it’s wonderful to finally meet you; crap, you have a fat head,” and the beauty of it is that it doesn’t matter.  Either way, you have successfully allowed an event to eclipse your first impression and prevent you from looking like an idiot.

The next time you are stressing about making a good first impression on bosses, or in-laws, or new neighbors, just remember that the key to self-preservation is to make your introduction as unmemorable as possible.  You will feel a great rush of power the next time you are able to say, “Oh, we’ve met before.  Remember?  It was just after you gave birth and your house burned down.”

So, welcome to Complete Life Makeunder.  In the spirit of making first impressions, we would just like to introduce ourselves…right after you take care of the flames billowing out of your kitchen. 

Thanks for reading!

* We recognize that it’s no longer the 90s and a woman could also be the head of a company, but for the sake of this taking on a more realistic tone, we will assume that it is a man. A white, heterosexual, Christian man.

Let your new life begin!

Welcome to Complete Like Makeunder, providing you with valuable tips to downscale your life to match your true potential.  Why live like you are 1991 Mariah Carey, when you are the Mariah Carey of today?  And really more like a fan.  Read on, to learn how to live a life that makes sense for you, considering your new and diminished dreams.